Progress & Setbacks

Le sigh.

Okay, I will not open up this blog post in a defeated, hopeless tone. However, I will let you know that from my last post to this post my transformation journey has been a serious roller-coaster ride. And I'm not talking about the Superman, with one big dip and one big ascension. I'm talking about the Joker with a whole heap of twist and turns and reversals!

Bad news first:

I didn't do well at Colorado State University Global. I started strong, focused. And then, I got overwhelmed and flunked out. Well technically, I didn't flunk out. I could have passed. But I gave up. Yes, that is what happened, I gave up. I made excuses. I lost sight of my goals.

However, God is faithful, still. And maddd gracious.

So this summer I went back to Howard Community College (where my college journey started) and decided to enroll in an on-campus summer class to fulfill a humanities credit. So far it's been cool. I got an A on my first exam. I paid out of pocket for this class so the need to pass is very REAL. I guess I had to get back to the basics and understand what a sacrifice getting my education really is. But no great goal is accomplished without sacrifice. Right?

I guess going back to finish what I began at HCC ties in to what God has been teaching me this year about commitment. I'm 19 credits shy of an Associates degree. I have to ask myself why not just buckle down and finish here. I guess the answer really lies in my impatience and unwillingness to be seen as the 26 year old girl still at a community college. But you know, it's an insecurity that I'm fighting to overcome everyday. And I must say, it's getting easier. My focus is becoming more and more about achieving goals and milestones and transforming inside and out. When I'm focused on what God is doing inside of me, I don't really have time to focus on what others may (or may not) be thinking about me. It reminds me of a scripture in Philippians 3:

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

 Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead! That is the focus, folks! Paul sums it up quite nicely. Speaking of straining towards what is ahead....

My fitness journey is coming along quite nicely! I enjoyed the Herbalife nutrition plan. However, I transition out of my dependency on its products and have opted for simply eating clean and staying active. And it's NOT complicated. I literally prep my meals and snacks in one day; pack my lunch the night before; do some kind of physical activity every other day (4-5 times a week), and that's it. And just because I'm slightly competitive, I've challenged myself to run a mile in 7 minutes. This little personal challenge has really motivated me to push my body to do things I didn't think it could do.

Here is my 1 mile time from June 2nd, when I started this personal challenge:

This week, my body did THIS:

PROGRESS FEELS SOO GOOD!!

I'm still pushing it. I mix it up from time to time. I found these cool circuit training workouts from the Women's Health website that I do when I go to the gym. If I'm running on the outdoor track, I incorporate squats, push-ups, lunges, planks, and mountain climbers into my workout. Sometimes, I don't run at all and I opt for the StairMaster (killer) or if I'm outdoors, I run the bleachers (also, killer). Either way, I never skip 2 days in a row. That's my promise to myself.

Welp! That's all for today. I'll leave you with my view from the bleachers. Good night!

Discipline & Commitment

If I could sum up all of what I'm learning so far this year in two words, those two words would be discipline and commitment.

These are not my favorite words in the English language. Discipline carries with it such a negative connotation. A synonym that comes to mind is punishment. And who would love a word that makes you think of punishment?

Commitment, on the other hand, could be romantic if you're into that kind of thing. But for me, right now, the only image that I can muster up for commitment is the old ball and chain. Sort of like confinement. A threat to my freedom.

So here we have discipline and commitment; punishment and confinement. And these are the two characteristics that God wants to develop in me. With the frequency in which these words have been coming up, it would seem God wants to me fall in love with these things; to become a walking model of all that is commitment and discipline.

Le sigh.

I could complain. And I probably will. But I will submit to this refinement process. Why? Because an insane person continues in the same patterns expecting different results. And while I can be a bit cray, I'm not THAT cray. I have dreams and goals. I have deadlines and no time to waste. And I can't just live my life on a whim hoping to one day reach the stars. Nope.

I must be disciplined and committed.
I must commit myself to my nutrition plan and be disciplined in my eating and fitness habits.

I must commit myself to my study schedule and be disciplined in how I spend my time.

I must commit myself to my new financial budget and be disciplined in my spending.

Of course I'd love to just be able to eat all the Cherry Garcia ice cream I want. And sure I'd love to stay up watching House instead of responding to discussion questions. And yes I want to be free to spend my money on clothes instead of paying my bills or saving for rainy days.

But... isn't that what I've been doing? And what are the results?

Change isn't easy. But it's the only constant thing in this life. I might as well get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

A New Body for A New Mind

Soo...

As I continue to embrace this transformation of my mind and spirit, it was only a matter of time before my body would have to join the new-new party!

Spiritually speaking, God is pleased when I honor him with my body. And that means more than just no drugs, no drinking, and no sex. It also means no junk food, excessive eating, and laziness. However, this can be a little difficult if you are like me and lack a significant amount of self-control.

Without going into a whole exegetical study of Christianity, in short, if you are a Christian, then it's safe to assume you have a very important deposit called the Holy Spirit. And if you have this Spirit, then you also have access to its power (and its a whole lot of power!). Now, with the aid of God's Spirit, we have the power to subdue our flesh and control our bodies. Some people get all nuisance-y in regards to this but I simply take it as the will and ability to say, "No," and stick to it. And not just no for the sake of no, but no because we are training our minds and bodies to say YES to what's good for us.

Now back to my body. Wait.. not like that.. but... well you know what I mean. Back to the subject at hand!

I used to have pretty solid eating habits. But over the last few years I've either gone without meals, eaten very little, or over-indulged. Sometimes, I'd eat pretty healthy and other times I'd totally go on a week long "I'm going to eat all the take out, ice cream, and cookies I want!" diet.

But NOW all that has changed. Just for kicks, I'm taking this month to try the new nutrition craze, Herbalife. My cousin hipped me to it and his results are pretty amazing. And his team is called Renewed so.. I mean, considering my guiding scripture, it seems so right.

Part of the Herbalife nutrition plan is a very important practice called "meal prepping." Now this is new to me. Probably not to you. But for those of you like me - meal prepping is basically taking one day to prep all the meals you'll eat for the week. The idea is to eliminate any reasons to make unhealthy food choices and to encourage eating enough meals a day - 5-6 small portions.

Today was my first meal prep day. With a budget of only $40, I went grocery shopping for this stuff:

March is here. The madness is not.

Aaah. The month that all basketball fanatics join together to strategically map out their favorite team's journey to the final four. The madness! The insanity! The chaos! (But not really lol).

This isn't a post about college basketball.

As I reflect on the first two months of 2014, I'd have to say that my mentality and habits weren't much different than they were all last year. I just became much more indifferent. However, after adopting a new 2014 slogan (Romans 12:1-2), a shift began in the concluding weeks of February.

To my surprise, my mind is, in fact, being renewed. Everyday for the past few weeks I am able to gradually adopt new perspectives on God, my life, and my purpose. The "madness" that resided in my thoughts is slowly giving way to peace of mind (and by slowly, I mean painfully slow). I'm excited about March. Not because I have some fond connection with this month or because it's women's history month (which, I must say,does make it cool) or because I like college basketball.

I'm excited about what new changes are going to come about in me and possibly through me this month. I start classes at CSU-Global on the 10th and as far as physical health goes, I've already started changing my diet. I just feel like new habits are going to be formed and old habits are going to die. I'm excited about that.

I'm also excited about what new spiritual things I'll learn. One of my best friends bought me a book by Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church in NC called, "Crash the Chatterbox." I've been listening to the sermons in a series by the same name and I'm eager to read the book. And if that isn't enough, I've rekindled friendships with people I've known for years who have made the same decision to follow Christ and renew their minds too!

The one thing I can do without in March is the snow. I really, really am about tired of the snow. But other than that.. bring on the new month!!

-ElleBee

Every Moment Is Worth Celebrating

You ever wanted something back you once had but despised when you had it? Like, you totally squandered it back then, but now you are doing all you can to obtain it and do right by it?

Me too!

(And no, I'm not talking about a relationship with a man. Although, as I reread what I just wrote, I can see why that would be your first assumption.)

I'm talking about going back to COLLEGE. My relationship with school has been very unstable. I never fancied college after high school. I fancied money, and like, "right now" money. So I was offered a chill office job with a decent salary and was content. I did that for 4 years and quickly learned how and why money can't make you happy. I also learned why passion and purpose is important to pursue and cultivate in this short lifetime.

So I decided in 2011 to enroll in school full time. My first year was a breeze. I made a 3.5 GPA. I received a scholarship. I rekindled my romance with literature and even developed a tolerance for biology. My second year was a bit rocky. My GPA fell to a 2.0. I was trying to balance work and school but my lust for money always beat out my will to study. I think my GPA would have been worse if it wasn't for my theater class. I LOVED that class.

Anywho..

I went into the next semester very unmotivated and uninspired. The stresses of my immediate circumstances pushed my education farther back on the priority list. My GPA continued to drop until I decided to just stop taking classes all together. During that time, I worked and worked and worked. Then it hit me. I'm doing exactly what I did when I graduated from high school. Working for financial stability instead of investing in my purpose. Sheesh, talk about circling the same mountain! (Old Testament reference).

So this time, instead of hastily dropping everything and attending school, I took inventory of my current responsibilities and what's important to me. At 26, it's obvious that working is a priority because a girl's got bills. So I had to find a school that would be flexible enough to accommodate my current lifestyle. And traditional education wasn't going to cut it. I also wanted a credible school that hired credible professors. And most importantly, I needed a school that would take a chance on me. My transcripts showed a steady decline. The possibility of admissions was slim. I researched some brick and mortar universities that offered online programs and found Colorado State University. Random, right? I live in MD. I've never even been to Colorado lol. But I inquired anyway. And I'm glad I did. My enrollment coordinator is the bomb! She told me exactly what I needed to do to have a chance at being admitted. Of course there were no guarantees but I did all that I could, short of begging, because I really wanted to get my degree. And then this happened:

I imagine this is the feeling 18 year olds get when they receive their first college admission letters in the mail! I'm not 18 and this isn't my first college rodeo BUT I'm going to celebrate this ANYWAY. I am elated! God is giving me another opportunity! Yess!! 

Good news, no matter how big or small, is worth celebrating. For real. That's the challenge to myself. Every moment cultivates momentum towards the desired goal to be accomplished. Every step forward is progress. And the goal is PROGRESS not perfection (my cousin told me that once).

So here's to my admission to Colorado State University - Global Campus. 

One block in the rebuilding of my life. Cheers.

-ElleBee

The First Step In The Right Direction

Rebuilding after major destruction is tricky buisness.
Last year I had the pleasure of experiencing the most destructive demolition to my pride to date. And since hindsight is always more enlightening than foresight, I can look back and see how many silly and emotionally harmful decisions I've made that lead to my great demise. And because I was much more concerned with the "speck" in everyone else's eyes, I had no clue how much the plank in my eye had impaired my vision.
My great fall (which I'll expound upon at a later time, in a different post) was a huge hit to my ego. I crumbled. And to make matters worse, my stubborn pride shape-shifted from boastful arrogance to silent self-pity. I still hadn't humbled out. And how could I? I was boiling with anger! I was mad at everybody! God, family, friends, exes, my coworkers, strangers, cats, dogs, EVERYBODY! I seeped low and isolated myself. I was slowly disintegrating in my own bitterness and hatred.
I don't really know exactly when I snapped out of my embittered trance. But I do know it didn't happen all at once. I read a book by a woman named Dr. Brenè Brown called "The Gift of Imperfection." The things I learned about guilt and shame from that book were the first sparks of change in me. Then I started going to church again with my mom and it was almost as if the sermons were especially written for little ol me (I know it always seems like that happens, right?). I started reading more books, meeting and talking to inspiring people who have had to overcome their own life failures, and writing. I wrote so much. I'm still writing.
Truth is, I'm still finding my way through the rubble. But it's never been more clear to me that as much as God will allow destruction, He's super awesome at rebuilding. The first step for me was believing I am forgiven. For even the most egregious offense. And I am allowed to ask and accept grace as often as I need it because it is in unlimited supply. And that's good news because I ask and need it A LOT. It makes me happy to know that it's possible to start over because of such a little thing called forgiveness. And that's what we all want, right? A fresh start, another opportunity, or even just a hope that I can be a better person now than I was yesterday or even 20 minutes ago.
Progress is a slow process but at least you're moving. Even if it is only a couple inches from where you once were.
Before I leave, I want to share my guiding scripture for this time in my life:
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2).
I look forward to sharing more of this process with you (whoever you are).
Yours Truly,
-ElleBee

The Intro

Hello.

I guess simplicity is best when it comes to these virgin blog posts so.. here I go. Keeping it simple:

My name is Alysha but here, I'll be known as Elle Bee or Bee. This is my second personal blog through blogger. My first, I had for years and then in a dramatic fit of rage caused by a year of constant disappointment and failure, I deleted it.

I started this blog for no other reason but to write. Simple as that. I've realized how much the sanity of my mind and health of my heart depends on my ability and will to write. If you decide to read these musings.. they will seem to have no rhyme or reason. To that I say, welcome to my life. It usually has no rhyme or reason. Yet it will be the main topic of my writings. So enjoy..

To be honest, I'm just a 26 year old girl trying to make it out of this quarter-life crisis alive, sanity intact.

-ElleBee