Discipline & Commitment

If I could sum up all of what I'm learning so far this year in two words, those two words would be discipline and commitment.

These are not my favorite words in the English language. Discipline carries with it such a negative connotation. A synonym that comes to mind is punishment. And who would love a word that makes you think of punishment?

Commitment, on the other hand, could be romantic if you're into that kind of thing. But for me, right now, the only image that I can muster up for commitment is the old ball and chain. Sort of like confinement. A threat to my freedom.

So here we have discipline and commitment; punishment and confinement. And these are the two characteristics that God wants to develop in me. With the frequency in which these words have been coming up, it would seem God wants to me fall in love with these things; to become a walking model of all that is commitment and discipline.

Le sigh.

I could complain. And I probably will. But I will submit to this refinement process. Why? Because an insane person continues in the same patterns expecting different results. And while I can be a bit cray, I'm not THAT cray. I have dreams and goals. I have deadlines and no time to waste. And I can't just live my life on a whim hoping to one day reach the stars. Nope.

I must be disciplined and committed.
I must commit myself to my nutrition plan and be disciplined in my eating and fitness habits.

I must commit myself to my study schedule and be disciplined in how I spend my time.

I must commit myself to my new financial budget and be disciplined in my spending.

Of course I'd love to just be able to eat all the Cherry Garcia ice cream I want. And sure I'd love to stay up watching House instead of responding to discussion questions. And yes I want to be free to spend my money on clothes instead of paying my bills or saving for rainy days.

But... isn't that what I've been doing? And what are the results?

Change isn't easy. But it's the only constant thing in this life. I might as well get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

The First Step In The Right Direction

Rebuilding after major destruction is tricky buisness.
Last year I had the pleasure of experiencing the most destructive demolition to my pride to date. And since hindsight is always more enlightening than foresight, I can look back and see how many silly and emotionally harmful decisions I've made that lead to my great demise. And because I was much more concerned with the "speck" in everyone else's eyes, I had no clue how much the plank in my eye had impaired my vision.
My great fall (which I'll expound upon at a later time, in a different post) was a huge hit to my ego. I crumbled. And to make matters worse, my stubborn pride shape-shifted from boastful arrogance to silent self-pity. I still hadn't humbled out. And how could I? I was boiling with anger! I was mad at everybody! God, family, friends, exes, my coworkers, strangers, cats, dogs, EVERYBODY! I seeped low and isolated myself. I was slowly disintegrating in my own bitterness and hatred.
I don't really know exactly when I snapped out of my embittered trance. But I do know it didn't happen all at once. I read a book by a woman named Dr. Brenè Brown called "The Gift of Imperfection." The things I learned about guilt and shame from that book were the first sparks of change in me. Then I started going to church again with my mom and it was almost as if the sermons were especially written for little ol me (I know it always seems like that happens, right?). I started reading more books, meeting and talking to inspiring people who have had to overcome their own life failures, and writing. I wrote so much. I'm still writing.
Truth is, I'm still finding my way through the rubble. But it's never been more clear to me that as much as God will allow destruction, He's super awesome at rebuilding. The first step for me was believing I am forgiven. For even the most egregious offense. And I am allowed to ask and accept grace as often as I need it because it is in unlimited supply. And that's good news because I ask and need it A LOT. It makes me happy to know that it's possible to start over because of such a little thing called forgiveness. And that's what we all want, right? A fresh start, another opportunity, or even just a hope that I can be a better person now than I was yesterday or even 20 minutes ago.
Progress is a slow process but at least you're moving. Even if it is only a couple inches from where you once were.
Before I leave, I want to share my guiding scripture for this time in my life:
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2).
I look forward to sharing more of this process with you (whoever you are).
Yours Truly,
-ElleBee