Every Moment Is Worth Celebrating

You ever wanted something back you once had but despised when you had it? Like, you totally squandered it back then, but now you are doing all you can to obtain it and do right by it?

Me too!

(And no, I'm not talking about a relationship with a man. Although, as I reread what I just wrote, I can see why that would be your first assumption.)

I'm talking about going back to COLLEGE. My relationship with school has been very unstable. I never fancied college after high school. I fancied money, and like, "right now" money. So I was offered a chill office job with a decent salary and was content. I did that for 4 years and quickly learned how and why money can't make you happy. I also learned why passion and purpose is important to pursue and cultivate in this short lifetime.

So I decided in 2011 to enroll in school full time. My first year was a breeze. I made a 3.5 GPA. I received a scholarship. I rekindled my romance with literature and even developed a tolerance for biology. My second year was a bit rocky. My GPA fell to a 2.0. I was trying to balance work and school but my lust for money always beat out my will to study. I think my GPA would have been worse if it wasn't for my theater class. I LOVED that class.

Anywho..

I went into the next semester very unmotivated and uninspired. The stresses of my immediate circumstances pushed my education farther back on the priority list. My GPA continued to drop until I decided to just stop taking classes all together. During that time, I worked and worked and worked. Then it hit me. I'm doing exactly what I did when I graduated from high school. Working for financial stability instead of investing in my purpose. Sheesh, talk about circling the same mountain! (Old Testament reference).

So this time, instead of hastily dropping everything and attending school, I took inventory of my current responsibilities and what's important to me. At 26, it's obvious that working is a priority because a girl's got bills. So I had to find a school that would be flexible enough to accommodate my current lifestyle. And traditional education wasn't going to cut it. I also wanted a credible school that hired credible professors. And most importantly, I needed a school that would take a chance on me. My transcripts showed a steady decline. The possibility of admissions was slim. I researched some brick and mortar universities that offered online programs and found Colorado State University. Random, right? I live in MD. I've never even been to Colorado lol. But I inquired anyway. And I'm glad I did. My enrollment coordinator is the bomb! She told me exactly what I needed to do to have a chance at being admitted. Of course there were no guarantees but I did all that I could, short of begging, because I really wanted to get my degree. And then this happened:

I imagine this is the feeling 18 year olds get when they receive their first college admission letters in the mail! I'm not 18 and this isn't my first college rodeo BUT I'm going to celebrate this ANYWAY. I am elated! God is giving me another opportunity! Yess!! 

Good news, no matter how big or small, is worth celebrating. For real. That's the challenge to myself. Every moment cultivates momentum towards the desired goal to be accomplished. Every step forward is progress. And the goal is PROGRESS not perfection (my cousin told me that once).

So here's to my admission to Colorado State University - Global Campus. 

One block in the rebuilding of my life. Cheers.

-ElleBee

The First Step In The Right Direction

Rebuilding after major destruction is tricky buisness.
Last year I had the pleasure of experiencing the most destructive demolition to my pride to date. And since hindsight is always more enlightening than foresight, I can look back and see how many silly and emotionally harmful decisions I've made that lead to my great demise. And because I was much more concerned with the "speck" in everyone else's eyes, I had no clue how much the plank in my eye had impaired my vision.
My great fall (which I'll expound upon at a later time, in a different post) was a huge hit to my ego. I crumbled. And to make matters worse, my stubborn pride shape-shifted from boastful arrogance to silent self-pity. I still hadn't humbled out. And how could I? I was boiling with anger! I was mad at everybody! God, family, friends, exes, my coworkers, strangers, cats, dogs, EVERYBODY! I seeped low and isolated myself. I was slowly disintegrating in my own bitterness and hatred.
I don't really know exactly when I snapped out of my embittered trance. But I do know it didn't happen all at once. I read a book by a woman named Dr. Brenè Brown called "The Gift of Imperfection." The things I learned about guilt and shame from that book were the first sparks of change in me. Then I started going to church again with my mom and it was almost as if the sermons were especially written for little ol me (I know it always seems like that happens, right?). I started reading more books, meeting and talking to inspiring people who have had to overcome their own life failures, and writing. I wrote so much. I'm still writing.
Truth is, I'm still finding my way through the rubble. But it's never been more clear to me that as much as God will allow destruction, He's super awesome at rebuilding. The first step for me was believing I am forgiven. For even the most egregious offense. And I am allowed to ask and accept grace as often as I need it because it is in unlimited supply. And that's good news because I ask and need it A LOT. It makes me happy to know that it's possible to start over because of such a little thing called forgiveness. And that's what we all want, right? A fresh start, another opportunity, or even just a hope that I can be a better person now than I was yesterday or even 20 minutes ago.
Progress is a slow process but at least you're moving. Even if it is only a couple inches from where you once were.
Before I leave, I want to share my guiding scripture for this time in my life:
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2).
I look forward to sharing more of this process with you (whoever you are).
Yours Truly,
-ElleBee

The Intro

Hello.

I guess simplicity is best when it comes to these virgin blog posts so.. here I go. Keeping it simple:

My name is Alysha but here, I'll be known as Elle Bee or Bee. This is my second personal blog through blogger. My first, I had for years and then in a dramatic fit of rage caused by a year of constant disappointment and failure, I deleted it.

I started this blog for no other reason but to write. Simple as that. I've realized how much the sanity of my mind and health of my heart depends on my ability and will to write. If you decide to read these musings.. they will seem to have no rhyme or reason. To that I say, welcome to my life. It usually has no rhyme or reason. Yet it will be the main topic of my writings. So enjoy..

To be honest, I'm just a 26 year old girl trying to make it out of this quarter-life crisis alive, sanity intact.

-ElleBee