Rebuilding after major destruction is tricky buisness.
Last year I had the pleasure of experiencing the most destructive demolition to my pride to date. And since hindsight is always more enlightening than foresight, I can look back and see how many silly and emotionally harmful decisions I've made that lead to my great demise. And because I was much more concerned with the "speck" in everyone else's eyes, I had no clue how much the plank in my eye had impaired my vision.
My great fall (which I'll expound upon at a later time, in a different post) was a huge hit to my ego. I crumbled. And to make matters worse, my stubborn pride shape-shifted from boastful arrogance to silent self-pity. I still hadn't humbled out. And how could I? I was boiling with anger! I was mad at everybody! God, family, friends, exes, my coworkers, strangers, cats, dogs, EVERYBODY! I seeped low and isolated myself. I was slowly disintegrating in my own bitterness and hatred.
I don't really know exactly when I snapped out of my embittered trance. But I do know it didn't happen all at once. I read a book by a woman named Dr. Brenè Brown called "The Gift of Imperfection." The things I learned about guilt and shame from that book were the first sparks of change in me. Then I started going to church again with my mom and it was almost as if the sermons were especially written for little ol me (I know it always seems like that happens, right?). I started reading more books, meeting and talking to inspiring people who have had to overcome their own life failures, and writing. I wrote so much. I'm still writing.
Truth is, I'm still finding my way through the rubble. But it's never been more clear to me that as much as God will allow destruction, He's super awesome at rebuilding. The first step for me was believing I am forgiven. For even the most egregious offense. And I am allowed to ask and accept grace as often as I need it because it is in unlimited supply. And that's good news because I ask and need it A LOT. It makes me happy to know that it's possible to start over because of such a little thing called forgiveness. And that's what we all want, right? A fresh start, another opportunity, or even just a hope that I can be a better person now than I was yesterday or even 20 minutes ago.
Progress is a slow process but at least you're moving. Even if it is only a couple inches from where you once were.
Before I leave, I want to share my guiding scripture for this time in my life:
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2).
I look forward to sharing more of this process with you (whoever you are).
Yours Truly,
-ElleBee
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